Fresh off of some fantastic Wipeout HD playing I saw iSR on the iTunes App Store and thought “That looks like Wipeout for the iPhone. I want to have that!”
Ladies. Gentlemen. iSR is not Wipeout. Despite the large number of positive reviews and a lengthy period of front page time in the App Store, iSR is not even decent.
No. This game is garbage. Garbage out of a butt.
Now, I sorta/kinda/maybe subscribe to the reviewing philosophy of “it is better to support the good stuff than rag on the bad stuff.” After all, there are tons of iPhone games out there and you don’t need a schmuck like me to say “Hey, you see this game you don’t have? Keep that up.” It’d be a better use of both our time if I instead I said something alone the lines of “Yo dog, Eliss is off the hook.”
Because I talk like that.
But iSR is such a prominent feature on the App Store that I feel like I need to be the dude to point and shout “Hey, the Emperor is not wearing any clothes!” So I will tell you about how terrible this awful game is and how I can see its junk.
iSR is incredibly misleading with the Wipeout look and presentation. This is not even a racing game, since you are all alone on the track. Maybe your character got up real early to beat the rush.
You have the choice between three miserable tracks. What follows next is an time trial on an ugly, badly rendered Tron-inspired obstacle course. Tilting the iPhone moves your ship along the x and y axis of the screen (this is important to mention because it is the ENTIRETY of iSR’s game play). Then you do your best to avoid obstacles while hitting speed boosts. Then blissfully the game is over and you can move past the denial stage of grief.
Despite the outright lie of appearing to be a Wipeout styled game, iSR could have been saved if so much of it wasn’t clearly phoned in.
- The vehicle has no weight to it. It zips around your screen like a neon bumblebee.
- Everything about the game past the main menu is ugly.
- When you hit an obstacle, the iPhone doesn’t buzz or make any sort of noise like I keep expecting it to. There’s no sort of response that has been standard in video games since Pong.
- Furthermore, hitting an obstacle has no ramifications other that a slight slow down of your vehicle. So there’s no good need for you to play. You could get up for a drink and leave your iPhone on that table and it’d do pretty well all on its own.
I guess you could be proud of iSR’s success. I mean, you remember when it was just a freshly installed baby app. Now it’s finishing its tracks all by itself. Like a big boy!
Yet you can’t be proud. You can never feel anything but rage towards this awful, waste of space child– I mean App.
I don’t even do numeric scores but iSR gets a zero out of a jillion.
What I learned today: It’s depressing when I feel like I get a better video game shopping experience at Best Buy than I do at Game Stop.