Kicking Bird's mohawk is more punk rock than mine will ever be.

(Read part one here)

Now that I have (Part 2):

Lt. Dunbar (Kevin Costner) misses his friends in the Sioux tribe so much he stops cleaning the fort. Or he’s gotten lazy. I ‘unno. Either way the place is a wreck. Out of mourning for his once clean fort he shaves off his awesome mustache. He decides his place sucks so he’d rather go back to living with his parents/his Sioux friends who give him free food and rent.

Two Socks follows him as he leaves for the tribe but Dunbar starts to flip out. I guess he was worried about the Sioux killing Two Socks on sight or maybe he just didn’t want his college friends to meet his high school friends. Anyway, he tries to chase Two Socks away but it turns into a game of tag between the two. Kicking Bird (Graham Greene), Stone Calf (Jimmy Herman), and Wind in His Hair (Rodney A. Grant) watch their game and decide it’s time to mention the movie title.

Lt. Dunbar, now given the Sioux name “Dances With Wolves”, is asked to watch over Kicking Bird’s family while he and the boys leave for a mens’ getaway. They’re going to fight some battles with the Pawnee, who the movie has already let us know are the Sith Lords of Native Americans.

So, now granted some privacy Dunbar With Wolves and Stands With A Fist (Mary McDonnell) start having unprotected sex knowing they can explain away any pregnancies as “prairie magic”.

Then some scouts return with the news that the Pawnee are going to try to attack the now under-protected Sioux tribe. Dunbar With Wolves puts his white-dude brain to work and comes up with the solution to this problem. Guns! He retrieves all his guns from his fort and the Sioux obliterate the ill-prepared Pawnee. Realizing this is the first time he has fought a battle for a good reason (Ignoring the war against slavery he just fought in, I guess.) Dunbar With Wolves decides to go all the way Sioux.

So he gets permission to marry Stands With A Fist and they have tons more sex. Later, he finally lets Kicking Bird know that tons of white dudes are on their way. The tribe decides it’s time to head to their winter camp.

Dunbar With Wolves makes a last minute trip back to his fort in hopes of removing any evidence which could lead the military to the Sioux only to find the military are already there! This is why you shouldn’t put things off, dude!

The army shoots Dunbar With Wolves’ beloved horse dead mistaking him for an Indian and then take him captive. Some military dudes are mean. Some military dudes are calm and merciful. Some military dudes are jerks who have stolen the journal which proves Dunbar With Wolves’ innocence even though they’re illiterate. All of them are killed when the Sioux help Dunbar With Wolves escape. You don’t feel very bad about their deaths though, since they just spent about 3 minutes shooting and eventually killing a terrified Two Socks.

The ending of the Lt. Dunbar/Kicking Bird bromance.

The movie ends with Dunbar With Wolves realizing he’s only going to draw more military towards the tribe as they search for him. So he makes the decision to head back home in hope that he’ll be able to talk the white dudes into not killing any more Sioux. Then a bunch of text comes up on screen letting us know he was unsuccessful.

The Verdict:

After the recent release of Avatar, there has been a lot of talk about the kind of movie Dances With Wolves embodies. The kind of movie where a white dude working as a military scout befriends the local natives, learns their ways, becomes the greatest warrior among them, then helps them repeal the very forces he was originally working for.

Though, I don’t think this kind of thinking about Dances With Wolves is fair. There are other examples of this phenomenon (The Last Samurai, Pocahontas, Ferngully) but this particular film doesn’t fit into their mold. Dunbar’s never much more than a dude hanging out on the frontier. He visits the Sioux because it’s something to do, not because he’s lost or trying to do recon. When he becomes a member of their tribe, he doesn’t become a great warrior among them. He’s just another member of the team. Also, there’s never a big battle against the military. The tribe just runs away and Dunbar makes a sacrifice by leaving in hopes of saving them all but probably just going to get himself executed.

The film also focuses on how awesome the Sioux are. It’s got a huge crush on them. It’s kind of adorable. The Pawnee are depicted and devilish. The Sioux are depicted as humble monks. They are more efficient than any military, have a good sense of humor, and cherish family. In contrast, every white guy we see besides Dunbar is dumb and foul.

Culture shock also plays a huge part of Dances With Wolves. Dunbar and the Sioux are constantly weirding each other out with their own natural habits. One instance is where Dunbar finds them celebrating the killing of some white dudes who were hunting buffalo for their hides. He thinks this is kind of unsettling since the hunters were just trying to make a buck. It’s the butting of heads between cultures and ideals which makes the story seem more realistic.

Kevin Costner does a great job as the role of Dunbar, a romantic who enjoys writing in his journal and being a bit of a klutz. Unfortunately, Kevin Coster as the role of the narrator falls a little flat. He reads it like a six grader reading a section of a book out loud for the class. Sans emotion.

All the characters in the Sioux tribe are instantly likable. Even the hot headed Wind In His Hair wins you over with his camaraderie and self awareness. And Graham Greene can tell a story with just a look, which he happens to do a lot in this film.

This lug couldn't possibly become the greatest warrior of anything. He's lucky the Sioux let him hang out with them.

Costner, the director, clearly loves the prairie as much as the character he’s playing. Why make a close up when you can have a wide open shot? Why show a dude when you can show Two Socks and just narrate over that? It makes the film always enjoyable to look at and helps you understand where Dunbar’s affection for the place comes from.

Dang though, is this movie long. FOUR HOURS LONG! That’s twice the hours of normal films! This is definitely a full day movie, one you have to commit to. I can’t see myself being ready for that sort of venture again any time soon, but if you have never seen Dances With Wolves it’s worth watching. Strong characters. Slow moving but satisfying story. I give Dances With Wolves two out of Two Socks.

Tags: Dances With Wolves, Graham Greene, Kevin Costner, Mary McDonnell, Netflix Queue of Shame

Dunbar is the Civil War version of Christopher McCandless.

Why I should have seen it already:

It’s that long movie which kind of proves why Kevin Costner is a big deal.

Now that I have (Part 1):

The movie opens up with some people wanting to cut off Lt. John Dunbar’s (Kevin Costner) leg. It’s all messed up on account of the Civil War. But Dunbar mindset is that of “Uh-uh, no way. I’d rather die while riding a horse than let you do that to me.” So, he saddles up for a suicide mission across the battlefield. Unfortunately for him (I guess), he fails to get killed and instead provides the inspiration for his army to charge and overtake the southern forces. A Major General takes note of this fact, and let’s one of the good surgeons operate on and save Dunbar’s leg.

Good surgeons: Save the leg. Bad surgeons: Hack it off. This could be applied to nearly every profession except lumberjack.

Dunbar is also given the choice of being transferred to any post he desires, so he chooses one far West in hopes of seeing the American frontier before it’s gone. Looks like things aren’t going to be easy though since the man who sends him there goes crazy and kills himself and the men at the fort Dunbar was assigned to have decided to abandon their post. Basically, nobody knows Dunbar is there and he has no clue when his reinforcements will arrive.

Regardless, he really enjoys his time alone at the fort. He loves the frontier, the solitude, and makes best friends with his horse and a local wolf. He names the wolf Two Socks because that is about how much clothing he could make with the scrawny wolf’s pelt.

MEANWHILE, INDIANS.

Back at camp, Dunbar is dealing with the mystery of his abandoned fort but not for too long. It’s never solved anyway, so he sort of stops caring. He finds a lake filled with dead animal carcasses. Doesn’t care. He learns the men were living in local caves instead of the fort. Doesn’t care. He finds no evidence of any battles or any reason for the fort to be deserted. Doesn’t care. The delayed shipment of supplies which arrived with Dunbar can explain why the soldiers left, but what about the caves and the dead animals?

We’ll never know. Because a Native American is about to see Dunbar’s wiener.

A Sioux Native America finds Dunbar’s fort and attempts to take his horse while Dunbar’s taking a bath. Luckily, Dunbar manages to scare him away with the shame of his naked body. The Sioux is a holy man by the name of Kicking Bird (Graham Greene). This encounter gives the rest of his tribe all the reason they need to show up and bother Dunbar. Frequently they try to steal his horse but that horse loves Dunbar so much he always fights them off and returns. They also like to scream at Dunbar about how they aren’t afraid of him. Dunbar most often plays dead during these encounters.

"I found this dead girl! Are you missing a dead girl?"

Eventually, Dunbar decides to act rather than react and goes in search of the Sioux. On his way there he finds the recently widowed Stands With A Fist (Mary McDonnell) who is trying to kill herself. He saves her and brings her back to the Sioux. Turns out, Stands With A Fist is an orphaned white woman who’s been living with the Sioux all her life. She has hairy armpits and perfectly tweezed eyebrows. Yeah, try to figure that out!

Well, since both she and Dunbar are white, attractive, and suicide survivors the sexual tension between them is a’cracklin’ immediately.

This act of kindness confirms Kicking Birds beliefs that Dunbar ain’t totally a bad dude. So he begins frequent visits where they share knowledge and attempt communication. Dunbar gives them coffee and sugar. They give him a buffalo pelt, which are animals Dunbar has been hoping to see for a while. Dunbar also teaches them how to awkwardly wave to people you don’t really know. The awkward wave spreads like WILDFIRE.

Dunbar starts spending more time with the Sioux after he becomes a hero during a buffalo hunt. He saves a kid from getting trampled by a buffalo, which I guess is cool, but in the buffalo’s defense they were trying to shoot him with arrows until he died.

Stands With A Fist becomes the translator between Dunbar and Kicking Bird since she sorta-kinda remembers English.

Do you remember that one summer where you would never see Kicking Bird and Lt. Dunbar apart? They even went on family vacations with each other.

This makes things quicker but more awkward when Kick Bird wants to know if more white dudes will be showing up. Dunbar knows they will, but he doesn’t want to ruin the party he’s having just yet. The Sioux basically do everything for him. He doesn’t have to work, he’s given his own tent, and he keeps makin’ eyes at Stands With A Fist even though she’s supposed to be sad about her husband dying until Kicking Bird tells her to stop. Why would Dunbar want to spoil a good thing?

Anyway, Dunbar returns to the fort after an extended visit and realizes being in the army sucks.

Will the Native American’s be able to beat the white dudes back to Europe? Find out in the exciting Part 2!

(Continued at Part 2)

Tags: Dances With Wolves, Kevin Costner, Sioux