Fantastic Four (Vol 1) #502

The cover to Fantastic Four (Vol 1) #502.
That’s a lot of asparagus.
From Series: Fantastic Four (Vol 1)

What Happened:

Franklin Richards is hitting kids at Coney Island and not in a fun “The Warriors” way. He’s doing it in a very un-fun “You touched my child and I have called the cops” kind of way. Fortunately, being famous has many perks. Since Franklin is with his mother Susan Storm (The Invisible Woman) and his uncle Ben Grimm (The Thing) of The Fantastic Four, the cops arrive at the scene but don’t uphold any peace. They sort of just pop in and pop out.

Meanwhile, Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) is being very stupid. Very stupid. He has decided that he is an expert at post-traumatic stress disorder and grief therapy. He has decided that all previous methods of dealing with these conditions do not work. He has decided the method which will work is to travel back in time, find your patient’s attacker as a happy child, then let your patient point a laser rifle at their head.

Thus we find Reed Richards (Mister Fantastic) pointing a laser rifle at the young and innocent Victor Von Doom. During The Fantastic Four’s previous adventure, Doctor Doom had trapped and tortured all of the Fantastic Four. He even threw Reed’s son Franklin into Hell (which is one of the two immediate reasons why Franklin is currently have a bad time at Coney Island). So Reed has been understandably a little sad. He is allowed to be sad!

But Johnny has other plans hence the time travel, laser rifle, and ham-fisted lesson of “You wouldn’t kill a child in cold blood with a laser rifle so you shouldn’t beat yourself up”– BUT THEN REED FIRES THE GUN AT THAT KID’S HEAD.

JOHNNY ALSO DECIDED TO BRING REED’S INFANT DAUGHTER VALERIA. HE IS VERY DUMB.

Back at Coney Island, Ben and Susan have figured out why Franklin is lashing out. He still believes he is trapped in hell and his family is doing anything to save him. Sue uses her powers to make everything besides Franklin, Ben, and herself disappear but it does not help. It also probably made the planet Earth look like one of those fun beads a kid would buy at a science museum gift shop.

Ben steps in to take over. He tells Franklin that life sucks and there are no guarantees now that he is growing up but having a family makes things better. Ben’s tactics are less nurturing but over-all successful. Franklin starts to engage more with Ben and Sue but it is clear this is only the first step toward of his recovery.

Meanwhile, remember when Reed shot that kid?! It was a total fake out. He “misses” the target and an angry young Victor Von Doom swears vengeance on whomever is attacking him from afar. Johnny starts to understand that both his plan and himself are VERY DUMB and takes away the laser rifle. By lighting it on fire. That’s an dangerous explosive weapon Johnny maybe you shouldn’t light it on fi– you know what? Let’s just accept that he’s very dumb and move on.

Meanwhile, Reed didn’t miss! He shot off a bit of young Victor’s hair and took it back with him through the time machine. He’s doing lab stuff with Doctor Doom’s hair! That is probably not a project going anywhere sunny.

What I Learned From This Issue:

The Thing goes through a lot of pens.

The Creators:
The Creators:
Writer: Mark Waid
Penciler, Inker: Casey Jones
Colourist: Paul Mounts
Letterer: Rus Wooton
Editors: Tom Brevoort

Green Arrow (Vol 3) #8

The cover to Grene Arrow (Vol 3) #8
The one with a beard is evil!? They both have beards!
From Series: Green Arrow (Vol 3)

What happened:

Oliver Queen (Green Arrow) and Oliver Queen (Also Green Arrow) meet in heaven because they both died. The end. I don’t want to explain how this happened. No, I’m done. Green Arrow died and had a long talk with himself in heaven, what more do you need? Will knowing why there are two Green Arrow’s make your life better in any way? You could be using that time to learn a skill! Brush up on your Spanish. Read a wikihow on how to repair holes in your jeans. There’s so much more you could do besides learn about the two Green Arrows.

OK, have the weak of heart left?

They have?

Cool. Let’s do this.

So, there is the younger Oliver Queen who has been running around Star City claiming to be Green Arrow even though Green Arrow died in an explosion years ago. There is also an older Oliver Queen who has been enjoying himself very much in heaven. When The Demon Etrigan freaks out when he sees the younger Ollie he burns him up with his fire breath. Fortunately, Hal Jordan, the current host of the all-powerful-voice-of-God The Spectre, uses his powers to save Young Ollie and take him to heaven where he can meet Old Ollie.

But why are there two Ollie’s?! The answer is complicated so grab your Texas Instruments graphing calculator.

When Hal Jordan was good. He was the Green Lantern of Earth. Then Hal Jordan was bad. He started calling himself Parallax and killed a bunch of people. After a while he decided to be good again and sacrificed himself to save the world during the big Final Night event. UNKNOWN TO US UNTIL NOW, right before Hal went to save the world he visited the deceased Ollie in heaven and asked if he would like to come back to life. Since Ollie’s life sucked before he died and he was IN HEAVEN he didn’t want to. His life was bad and heaven is great. Makes complete sense. Hal did not give up that easily though so Ollie offered a horrible macabre compromise which looks into the face of decency and laughs. Instead of Ollie being brought back to life… what if Hal just brought his BODY back to life… as a soulless abomination? Since Hal was still getting used to being a good guy again he didn’t recognize this was stupid and agreed. So young Ollie is the soulless body and old Ollie is the body-less soul.

Back in the world of the living Batman (Bruce Wayne), Black Canary (Dinah Lance), Arsenal (Roy Harper), and Deadman (Boston Brand) manage to subdue Etrigan and turn him back into his human form of Jason Blood. Deadman tells everyone Ollie is safe. With nothing else left for them to do they all just go home.

Ollie returns to the home of Stanley Dover, the old man with whom he has been living since returning to life. Ollie catches Stanley up on events and when he says he has no soul the old traitor conks Ollie unconscious. Ollie wakes up tied to a table alongside his new friend Mia Dearden. Stanley decides to lay all his creep-cards out on the table and show’s he has a terrified boy dressed as a monster trapped in a glass bubble as well. Living with Stanley was a bad choice!

Meanwhile, Connor Hawke wakes up from a nightmare somehow knowing the dad he never met is in trouble.

What I learned:

Jason Blood’s penis is not the size Deadman would like a penis to be.

Creators:
Writer: Kevin Smith
Pencils: Phil Hester
Inker: Ande Park
Colourist: Guy Major
Letterer: Sean Konot
Cover Artist: Matt Wagner
Executive Editor: Mike Carlin
Editors: Michael Wright, Bob Schreck

Avengers #500

The cover to Avengers (Vol 1) #500
Sometimes Iron Man liked to use Yellow Jacket to kick off with.
From Series: The Avengers

What Happened:

Woof, what a day.

Sure, several of their friends died. A lot of there lives were destroyed. They were betrayed by some of the people they were closest with. Some of their greatest personal fears came true in their own actions. Yet, if we were to really nail down the worst thing to happen to the Avengers on this day it would be Hawkeye’s (Clint Barton) kitchen table sex talk.

Woof.

Let’s get to the actual mayhem of the day. Ant-Man (Scott Lang), The Wasp (Janet Van Dyne), She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Captain Britain (Kelsey Leigh), Jarvis, and Hawkeye have their gross conversation interrupted by Jack Of Hearts (Jonathan Hart). Well, a zombie of Jack Of Hearts. Since Jack Of Hearts died a few issues back. I suppose he doesn’t have to be a zombie. He could be a naked mummy? I don’t really know why I’m assuming he’s a zombie just because he’s all shamble-y and dried out. Plus he does some pretty un-zombie like actions such as apologize for blowing up and then blowing up. This is the day’s first explosion.

Jack Of Hearts explosion kills Ant-Man who tried to reason with the zombie. Never open the lines of communication with zombies. What do you hope to accomplish? Change its mind about being a zombie? They. Are. Set. In. Their. Ways.

While all this is happening, Iron Man (Tony Stark) is giving a big fancy speech to the United Nations. There, he starts having all the symptoms of being drunk.

Symptoms of being drunk:

  • Being sweaty
  • Being a jerk

Yellow Jacket (Hank Pym) and Black Panther (T’Challa) stop Iron Man from blowing up a representative of a country he dislikes. Before anyone can get too mad at Iron Man, Captain America (Steve Rogers) receives the distress call from Avengers mansion about the zombie and the explosion. While everyone heads out, Iron Man confesses to Scarlett Witch (Wanda Maximoff) about feeling drunk. Scarlet Witch’s face is shrouded in darkness the whole time. Who knows what that could mean? It’s probably nothing! Maybe the artist was having one of those “I JUST CAN’T DRAW ANOTHER FACE TODAY” days?

Everyone arrives at the mansion in time for The Vision to fly a quinjet into it. This is the day’s second explosion. Vision comes out of the burning wreckage and tells the Avengers he is not in control of his own actions. He then turns into a puddle and vomits up some metal spheres.

Additional symptoms of being drunk:

  • Turning into puddle
  • Vomiting metal spheres

The spheres all turn into Ultron robots and the team leaps into battle defeating them… pretty easily. She-Hulk starts to go berserk during the battle and can’t calm down from her battle rage. In that rage she tears the remains of The Vision’s robotic body down the middle and then attacks Captain America.

Meanwhile, two mysterious people have a conversation in the dark.

What I Learned From This Issue:
Saying “Sorry, my bad” doesn’t get you off the hook from tidying after the metal balls you threw up.

Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: David Finch
Inker: Danny Miki
Colourist: Frank D’armata
Letterers: Albert Deschesne, Richard Starkings
Editors: Nicole Wiley, Andy Schmidt, Tom Brevoort
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Starlord Mopes Through a War – Annihilation #1

The cover to Annihilation #1
At least Silver Surfer is having fun!

From Series: Annihilation

What Happened:

The good guys are losing the war. The Annihilation Wave, a name the marketing bug-people of Annihilus’s army came up with, is moving across the galaxy destroying all who resist. Many alien races have been wiped out. The Skrull empire is basically gone. The Kree are have been humbled so many times they don’t remember how to war a war. They forgot the war part!

The cause of this attack would be the our ever-expanding universe itself. When our universe started spilling into the Annihilus ruled Negative Zone, Annihilus considered our universe just another part of his. He got to work taking over and one of the first things he did was destroy the Nova Corps home world.

There are some cosmic heroes left doing their best to hold the line but the growing bleakness of the war they’re fighting is wearing on them. The last surviving member of the Nova Corps, Richard Rider, has found himself in charge of the resistance to Annihilus. Along with Gamora, Drax The Destroyer, Ronan The Accuser, and a real bummer of a Star-Lord (Peter Quill) Nova is trying to stop the Annihilation Wave. Stop it or at least learn from their many, many horrible defeats.

When the Wave breaks through their latest defense, Nova orders the retreat and flies off the save Drax. He manages to do this and then throws the dude away at high speed and calls for an orbital bombardment of the area, killing some of the Wave and a lot of his own injured soldiers. Drax survives because he is not a background character.

This was a completely unnecessary sacrifice because minutes later, the heralds of Galactus manage to take out one of Annihilus’s Queens. Since the Queens control the troops telepathically, this renders the Annihilation Wave almost useless.

So all those injured men died for no reason. One even gave Nova a thumbs up before the bombardment hit and he perished in the flames. Thumbs up aren’t given freely, they carry weight! I hope that weight drags Nova down for the remainder of his days!!

Anyway, Nova deals with the guilt of his decisions by having sex with Gamora.

Annihilus is pretty mad things in this galaxy aren’t as easy for him as they are back in the Negative Zone. The fact that one of his queens was captured really gets the green space grasshopper man… hoppin’ mad! Yes! Stuck the landing!

Thanos and his pixie best friend Skreet (comic books are weird) inform their boss, Annihilus, they now now has enough data to unlock the power cosmic within Galactus’s heralds. Speaking of Galactus, he and Silver Surfer were smooshed by Tenebrous and Aegis, allies of Thanos. Which leads you to question, if Thanos has friends who can bop Galactus around like a balloon losing its helium why is he working for the king laser bug?

Because Thanos is up to something!

What I Learned From This Comic:

Even Star-Lord hated the name Star-Lord for a while.

Creators:
Writer: Keith Giffen
Pencils, Inker: Andrea Di Vito
Colourist: Laura Villari
Letterer: Cory Petit
Cover Artists: Gabrielle Dell’Otto
Editors: Andy Schmidt
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Weekend Warriors – Teen Titans (Vol 3) #1

The cover to Teen Titans (Vol 3) 1
Modern Dance Camp and the Teen Titans are the two youth clubs which require wearing spandex.
From Series: Teen Titans (Vol 3)

What Happened:

Being a teen is hard. We’ve all heard it. It’s a particle in the “facts of life” atmosphere we breathe and have yet to choke. Like “never go to bed angry” and “swimming after a big meal will kill you” it is undeniably true. Being a super-powered teen seems to be easier though! For instance, Superboy (Conner Kent) regularly skips school to go flying and do some on-brand crop circle graffiti. Fun!

Superman (Clark Kent) thinks Conner could be doing more with his time, or at least cause less of a negative effect on the nation’s wheat yield, so he signed him up for the new Teen Titans. This version of the Teen Titans is half super hero training camp and half youth group. So Conner’s weekends will now be filled with battles to the death and acoustic covers of The Goo Goo Dolls.

A multitasking Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Robin (Tim Drake) have a similar conversation while fighting for their lives. Unlike Superman, Batman isn’t concerned with Tim’s school work. He just wants Tim to see his friends more and not become a secluded weirdo. Batman is not self reflective.

The first and third men to call themselves The Flash (Jay Garrick and Wally West), debate letting Impulse (Bart Allen) join the Teen Titans. Jay thinks only being responsible for the super-speed powered teenager with ADHD four days a week instead of seven is a great idea. A GREAT idea. Wally is a little more precious with what the Teen Titans stand for and isn’t sure Bart’s ready to be held to that standard. After all, super heroes who don’t take things seriously can get people killed. They agree to give Bart a try on the Titans but Wally doesn’t expect much from Bart. Bart hears the whole exchange.

The final recruit, Wonder Girl (Cassie Sandsmark), is picked up from school by Starfire (Koriand’r) during a particular bad day. Cassie punched her principal’s desk into pieces. It’s never stated out loud but she probably broke a rule while doing this, so Cassie is pretty sure she’s in trouble. She’ll get a call home at the least.

Meeting Beast Boy (Garfield Logan) and hearing Cyborg (Victor Stone) over the loud speaker at their new headquarters The Titans Tower in the San Fransisco Bay really sets the tone for how weird the weekend is going to be for the four friends. Things were already pretty awkward between them though. The last time they hung out a bunch of people died. So hugs are given but not appreciated among the teens.

Later that night, Tim and Conner are wondering if the whole Teen Titans idea is pointless when Tim gets an email. The email is about from where the human half of Conner’s DNA comes. Tim and Conner and both shocked to read it is Lex Luthor. This is probably spam and shouldn’t be taken seriously though because we’ve all gotten that email that starts “HALF YOUR DNA IS A LEX LUTHOR SEND CREDIT CARD NOW”.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Beast Boy learned how to romance women from Tex Avery cartoons.

Creators:
Writers: Geoff Johns
Pencils: Mike McKone
Inker: Marlo Alquiza
Colourist: Jeromy Cox
Letterer: Comicraft
Editors: Tom Palmer Jr., Eddie Berganza
Executive Editor: Dan DiDio

The People You Are Not – Phonogram: The Singles Club #5

The cover to Phonogram: The Singles Club #5
Not sure what this is advertising but I’m listening…

From Series: Phonogram: The Singles Club

What Happened:

Laura Heaven feels bad and you should too. So you will. Because she is a magic person.

Laura Heaven is a phonomancer (person who can use music for magic) but got the short end of the stick when it comes to fantastical powers. While her friend Penny B can charm nearly anyone with her dancing, Laura is just a concoction of all the music and pop culture she has taken in. She constantly quotes her favorite band The Long Blondes both in conversation and in narration. This makes her less of an original flavor of taffy and more of a smooshed ball of all the taffy flavors she enjoys.

Probably the biggest bummer of all, Laura is self aware enough to recognize and hate these limitations in herself. Not restricted to self hatred though, Laura turns her cynical eye on everyone in her life. Most of all on her best friend Penny. Penny is happy, loved by all, and charming. Laura hides her self-cutting and insecurities with long sleeves and sarcasm. Best friends don’t always make sense.

Their night is laser focused on getting Penny and her newly-single crush Marquis to dance and hook up at the club. Penny’s phonomancer powers come from dancing, so she’s pretty confident about her chances with Marquis in the dance club. Laura willfully (but not excitedly) goes along with the plan while feeling like no one would ever pick her for a dance/hook-up/conversation. She considers herself the perpetual “second choice”. And hey, look at that, another bummer because Laura wants to get with everyone at the club. Everyone.

This neediness depresses her.

Depression may have many cures but I was surprised to learn running into Dark Aster in the bathroom was one of them. Aster, the probably-evil-but-we-love-her-anyway phonomancer Coven leader sees Laura for who she really is and does not judge her. Aster laughs at Laura’s posturing and lets her know “You’re a bad person. That’s not so bad.” This alleviates some of Laura’s need to be like Penny, some of her need to be like anyone else, and all of her need for other people.

After everyone at the club has coupled up and gone home, Laura and Lloyd (Logos) share a taxi. Lloyd being Marquis hanger-on gives Laura a sense of camaraderie. When he tells her his plans for a band and she deduces that he’s about to ask her to be the singer. She also realizes she would be his second choice and then she surprises them both by leaving the taxi, with new magic forming in her eyes.

What I Learned From this Issue:

Quoting the movie Airplane to people can result in profanity.

The Creators:
Writer: Kieron Gillen
Penciler/Inker/Letterer: Jamie McKelvie
Colorist: Matthew Wilson

Making Small Talk with Rorschach – Watchmen #6

The cover to Watchmen #6
Get yer mind out of the gutter!

From Series: Watchmen

What Happened:

Rorschach (Walter Joseph Kovacs) is in jail and this is going to go GREAT.

The issue is told from the perspective of his psychiatrist, Dr. Malcolm Long, who is more interested in Rorschach on a publicity level. Hoping to make a reputation on his work with this patient, Dr. Long’s notes focus on Rorschach’s appearance and take everything he says at face value. Turns out ol’ splotch face is holding a lot back from Dr. Long at first.

While Rorshach is having flashbacks of discovering his mother prostituting herself and causing permanent bodily harm to neighborhood boys who insult him, Dr. Long is only hearing about pretty butterflies and flower. Things are going pretty good from his point of view. At home he even has sex with his wife (Gloria Long)! What a great day.

Turns out sex is an all night event (how would I know?) and Dr. Long is really sleepy when he next interviews Rorschach. During this meeting, Rorschach details where the “Rorschach” persona came from. Originally it was just a mask he made out of a dress. He hated to touch the dress because women’s clothing is for women and ghouls alone. The fabric of the dress had ink between two thin layers, creating the moving black splotches. Rorschach thought it looked pretty so he sewed it into a face and put it in his car trunk.

Look, I don’t have to explain what a person does with pretty things. We all know.

After hearing of a woman who was raped, tortured, and killed while witnesses did nothing and watched, Rorschach decided people are awful. Granted, the world is a little more complicated than that, but hard to find fault in his analysis of the situation. From here he decided he should put on a scarf and hat and beat up criminals. Dr. Long thinks that’s a little extreme but Rorschach calls him a bad person which really rains of Dr. Long’s parade.

That night they both have separate trials! Rorschach almost gets stabbed but instead horribly burns his attacker’s face with cooking fat. Meanwhile Dr. Long doesn’t have sex with his wife. What a bad day.

At their next meeting, Rorschach spills the beans about when he spilled the dog brains. This was the case which made Rorschach put away the persona of Kovac and only behaved as Rorschach. The event was when, searching for a missing girl he promised to return to her parents, Rorschach discovers she was butchered and fed to some dogs. So he kills the dogs, then waits for the man who did the butchering and kills him as well. He considers all the time spent before this as “being soft” on the criminal element.

Rorschach’s influence on Dr. Long continues to grow as he ruins a perfectly fine dinner with his wife and another couple. Now, it’s never stated anywhere in the comic, but I also assumed the other couple were swingers visiting the Long’s for a wife swap situation. This has nothing to do with Watchmen, or the quality of its story but I just wanted to get that down somewhere: Dr. Long bummed out a open marriage couple so much they decided to bounce.

Dr. Long’s wife leaves him after this and he endures a nightmarish second night without having sex with her. Never had I felt such sympathy for a character. The secret hero of the story?

What I Learned From This Comic:

Ink blots always look like either a flower, or a butterfly, or a dog’s head split open with a meat clever.

The Creators:
Writer: Alan Moore
Penciler, Inker, Letterer & Cover Artist: Dave Gibbons
Colourist: John Higgins
Executive Editor: Dick Giordano
Editors: Len Wein & Barbara Kesel

Killer Croc Kills A Cop – Batman: Gotham After Midnight #7

The cover to Batman: Gotham After Midnight #7
Nobody mention the spaghetti sauce stain on his forehead, he’d be so embarrassed to know it’s been there the whole time,
From Series: Batman: Gotham After Midnight

What Happened:

Batman (Bruce Wayne) really goofed up guessing the identity of the serial killer Midnight. He was pretty certain the murder was Detective Lucas of the Gotham Police because The Joker told him so.

And The Joker never lies!

Well, Lucas’ partner Detective Clarkson is pretty steamed at Batman because they only find a torn apart car and a lot of blood where Lucas should be. Clarkson socks Batman in the face for being wrong about her partner and then Commissioner Gordon tells him to scram. When he gets a good distance away them, Batman rubs his bruised chin and grins like a dummy. THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN CLARKSON AND BATMAN IS UNBEARABLE. By which I mean HORRIBLE.

Anyway, Batman is pretty sure that Killer Croc (Waylon Jones) got to Detective Lucas. After analyzing some mud he knows exactly where Killer Croc is been hiding (in mud)! Alfred has already gotten to work preparing everything Batman will need to save the missing detective and battle Croc without even being asked. This, everyone, is a honest to God professional. Without Alfred around, 80 percent of all Batman stories would be Batman moving boxes around trying to find the batsuit which has goggles AND bulletproof armor.

Batman is too late to save Lucas though and finds him dead in a villain’s lair. Something about the lair isn’t right and Batman suspects it is meant to appear to be Midnight’s base of operations. The place looks too over the top for Batman to take is seriously. Even Batman, the man who decorates with dinosaurs and mannequins of dead coworkers, thinks the place is gaudy.

The whole thing is a trap and Batman is attacked by Killer Croc! Can that be considered a trap though? Batman is there to find Killer Croc. Giving someone what they want isn’t very devious!

Meanwhile on the other end of the city, Midnight kills the Mayor of Gotham! He pokes out Mr. Mayor’s heart with his clawed weapon as easily as plucking a spare sock from a laundry basket. Mayor’s should be made of sterner stuff!

After defeating Killer Croc, Batman finds Detective Clarkson and police backup at the hideout’s entrance. Showing Clarkson the dead body of her partner really gets her motor humming (passion-wise) and she and Batman just sort of hold each other. It’s a very 8th-grade-dance kind of look.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Batman mistakes being punched as foreplay, which raises so many questions about how he views his rogues gallery.

Creators:
Writer: Steve Niles
Artist: Kelley Jones
Colorist: Michelle Madsen
Letterer: Pat Brosseau
Executive Editor: Dan DiDio
Editors: Michael Siglain & Harvey Richards

Batman Buys a Victory – JLA #15

The cover to JLA (Vol 1) #15
I’ll never understand how the United States Justice System works.

From Series: JLA (Vol 1)

What Happened:

Back in the present time, Superman (Clark Kent), Batman (Bruce Wayne), Martian Manhunter (J’onn J’onzz), an undercover Green Arrow (Connor Hawke), and Aztek (Uno) are trying to stop Lex Luthor and his Injustice Gang. The biggest problem they face is Lex’s Philosopher’s Stone, which can make anything he imagines come true. Also, unknown to the Justice League, if the stone is destroyed it will lead their world to the nightmare future Aquaman (Arthur Curry), Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner), and The Flash (Wally West) were sent to.

Lex tries to scare Aztek into joining the Injustice Gang with the fact that his company actually funded all of the technology which powers Aztek’s armor. Also, her tries to scare Aztek by trapping him in the JLA Watchtower with a lot of nuclear warheads. Both methods do not work! Aztek refuses to switch sides and gets to work defusing all the warheads. A hopeless task, since there are too many… and not enough time… and he is a super hero in the comic book story…!

On Earth, Batman, Superman and Martian Manhunter get ready to fly into space and take on the Injustice Gang. They have a little bit of an advantage in the form of three spies Batman has working for him on Lex’s secret satellite.

One of those spies is uncovered by the Injustice Gang when The Joker is found tied up and hidden away while another Joker is busy taunting Lex. Lex does something he probably should not need this much justification for and shoots the annoying Joker. The bullet passes through him without harm. This is because the fake Joker is actually the shape changing Plastic Man (Patrick “Eel” O’Brian)!

Plastic Man is in the perfect position to start taking out the Injustice Gang before the reinforcements arrive but instead decides to harass Circe. Not time well spent.

Green Arrow, who has been pretending to turn against the JLA then reveals his true motives and allows Batman and the others teleport onto the satellite. They battle, and at one point Superman is turned into a radio wave because of his new powers and shot into space like an old Johnny Unitas football game broadcast. The JLA is victorious though, just like the conclusion to last issue spoiled.

Then Green Lantern, returning from the apocalyptic future, is able to warn Martian Manhunter in time to stop Superman from destroying the Philosopher’s Stone. BUT IT WASN’T THE PHILSOPHER’S STONE. THE JOKER ACTUALLY HAS THE REAL PHILOSOPHER’S STONE. SO WHY DID IT MATTER.

EXPLAIN THAT, TIME TRAVEL.

Martian Manhunter is able to telepathically make Joker sane for just enough time to use the Philosopher’s Stone and undo all of The Injustice Gang’s damage. Aztek and Green Arrow then quit the Justice League because things got hard and they didn’t like that.

Metron, now working on the side of the angels again, takes the Philosopher’s Stone and delivers it to the Hourman (Matthew Tyler) of the future. Hourman is told there’s another time disruption coming for the Justice League and it’ll be his job to fix it this time.

It’s cute how Metron and Hourman take turns!

Metron then visits the guardians of the Wonderworld, and lets them know the approaching war they have dedicated their lives to fighting won’t be fought by them. Oh well. Time for them to figure out if they have any other hobbies worth pursing. Try cooking! You get to eat your hobby when your hobby is cookie!

BACK. On. EARTH…

Superman, Batman, and Aquaman have decided to disband the Justice League.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Doctor Light has a lot of great and terrible powers like “Make everything red” and “Make everything green.”

The Creators:
Writer: Grant Morrison
Pencils: Howard Porter, Gary Frank, Greg Land
Inker: John Dell, Bob McLeod
Colorist: Pat Garrahy
Separations: Heroic Age
Letterer: Ken Lopez
Editors: Dan Raspler and Peter Tomasi

Too Many Mutants – House of M #7

The cover to House of M #7
He tripped.
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

Everyone’s fighting! The rebel heroes who remember the real world thanks to Layla Miller‘s powers are attacking their friends who do not remember the real world. Why? Because the rebel heroes want to kill who they believe is responsible for this alternate world: Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr). They are doing fighting and causing a lot of property damage instead of using Layla Miller’s powers to restore THEIR FRIENDS’ memories of the real world as well. It is a dumb plan but we’re too deep in to stop now! Wheels within wheels! Time marches on!

During the battle, The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) collapses and starts to disappear. This freaks out her brother Quicksilver and he goes berserk on the rebel heroes. Makes logical sense. Wanda didn’t disappear before the rebel heroes showed up. Now the rebel heroes show up and she starts to disappear? The simple logical solution is to run around with super speed and punch everyone in the face, like the great thinkers of yore would suggest.

That Scarlet Witch was just a illusion made with magic though. Doctor Strange, in Astral Form mode, uses his bloodhound senses to find the real Scarlet Witch and her children. They all play blocks together. Doctor Strange then tries to figure out what’s really going on. Scarlet Witch reveals it wasn’t Magneto who told her to change the world, but Quicksilver.

This changes EVERTHING. (Not really). Magneto was a villain who had to be killed. Quicksilver is a hero who made a mistake who needs to be captured. Neither of these people are who actually did the deed of changing the world (Wanda, who everyone wanted to kill way back in issue one).

Hawkeye (Clint Barton) then shoots Wanda in the back with an arrow. Wanda, trying to protect her kids from the scary man with a bow and arrow, wipes him away from existence. Doctor Strange has apparently just decided to duck out around this time.

Back in the battle, Layla Miller restores Magneto’s memories when he finds her and The White Queen (Emma Frost) by Xavier’s fake gravestone. This sets Magneto off who, in a rage, kills Quicksilver. The heroes are all shocked by this because WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE HEROES ARE AGAINST KILLING.

Scarlet Witch shows up and returns Quicksilver to life. Then she decides to punish Magneto by taking away the thing he loves most in the world: Mutants.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Wanda’s got some ugly kids.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos<
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt