Avengers #500

The cover to Avengers (Vol 1) #500
Sometimes Iron Man liked to use Yellow Jacket to kick off with.
From Series: The Avengers

What Happened:

Woof, what a day.

Sure, several of their friends died. A lot of there lives were destroyed. They were betrayed by some of the people they were closest with. Some of their greatest personal fears came true in their own actions. Yet, if we were to really nail down the worst thing to happen to the Avengers on this day it would be Hawkeye’s (Clint Barton) kitchen table sex talk.

Woof.

Let’s get to the actual mayhem of the day. Ant-Man (Scott Lang), The Wasp (Janet Van Dyne), She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Captain Britain (Kelsey Leigh), Jarvis, and Hawkeye have their gross conversation interrupted by Jack Of Hearts (Jonathan Hart). Well, a zombie of Jack Of Hearts. Since Jack Of Hearts died a few issues back. I suppose he doesn’t have to be a zombie. He could be a naked mummy? I don’t really know why I’m assuming he’s a zombie just because he’s all shamble-y and dried out. Plus he does some pretty un-zombie like actions such as apologize for blowing up and then blowing up. This is the day’s first explosion.

Jack Of Hearts explosion kills Ant-Man who tried to reason with the zombie. Never open the lines of communication with zombies. What do you hope to accomplish? Change its mind about being a zombie? They. Are. Set. In. Their. Ways.

While all this is happening, Iron Man (Tony Stark) is giving a big fancy speech to the United Nations. There, he starts having all the symptoms of being drunk.

Symptoms of being drunk:

  • Being sweaty
  • Being a jerk

Yellow Jacket (Hank Pym) and Black Panther (T’Challa) stop Iron Man from blowing up a representative of a country he dislikes. Before anyone can get too mad at Iron Man, Captain America (Steve Rogers) receives the distress call from Avengers mansion about the zombie and the explosion. While everyone heads out, Iron Man confesses to Scarlett Witch (Wanda Maximoff) about feeling drunk. Scarlet Witch’s face is shrouded in darkness the whole time. Who knows what that could mean? It’s probably nothing! Maybe the artist was having one of those “I JUST CAN’T DRAW ANOTHER FACE TODAY” days?

Everyone arrives at the mansion in time for The Vision to fly a quinjet into it. This is the day’s second explosion. Vision comes out of the burning wreckage and tells the Avengers he is not in control of his own actions. He then turns into a puddle and vomits up some metal spheres.

Additional symptoms of being drunk:

  • Turning into puddle
  • Vomiting metal spheres

The spheres all turn into Ultron robots and the team leaps into battle defeating them… pretty easily. She-Hulk starts to go berserk during the battle and can’t calm down from her battle rage. In that rage she tears the remains of The Vision’s robotic body down the middle and then attacks Captain America.

Meanwhile, two mysterious people have a conversation in the dark.

What I Learned From This Issue:
Saying “Sorry, my bad” doesn’t get you off the hook from tidying after the metal balls you threw up.

Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: David Finch
Inker: Danny Miki
Colourist: Frank D’armata
Letterers: Albert Deschesne, Richard Starkings
Editors: Nicole Wiley, Andy Schmidt, Tom Brevoort
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Too Many Mutants – House of M #7

The cover to House of M #7
He tripped.
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

Everyone’s fighting! The rebel heroes who remember the real world thanks to Layla Miller‘s powers are attacking their friends who do not remember the real world. Why? Because the rebel heroes want to kill who they believe is responsible for this alternate world: Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr). They are doing fighting and causing a lot of property damage instead of using Layla Miller’s powers to restore THEIR FRIENDS’ memories of the real world as well. It is a dumb plan but we’re too deep in to stop now! Wheels within wheels! Time marches on!

During the battle, The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) collapses and starts to disappear. This freaks out her brother Quicksilver and he goes berserk on the rebel heroes. Makes logical sense. Wanda didn’t disappear before the rebel heroes showed up. Now the rebel heroes show up and she starts to disappear? The simple logical solution is to run around with super speed and punch everyone in the face, like the great thinkers of yore would suggest.

That Scarlet Witch was just a illusion made with magic though. Doctor Strange, in Astral Form mode, uses his bloodhound senses to find the real Scarlet Witch and her children. They all play blocks together. Doctor Strange then tries to figure out what’s really going on. Scarlet Witch reveals it wasn’t Magneto who told her to change the world, but Quicksilver.

This changes EVERTHING. (Not really). Magneto was a villain who had to be killed. Quicksilver is a hero who made a mistake who needs to be captured. Neither of these people are who actually did the deed of changing the world (Wanda, who everyone wanted to kill way back in issue one).

Hawkeye (Clint Barton) then shoots Wanda in the back with an arrow. Wanda, trying to protect her kids from the scary man with a bow and arrow, wipes him away from existence. Doctor Strange has apparently just decided to duck out around this time.

Back in the battle, Layla Miller restores Magneto’s memories when he finds her and The White Queen (Emma Frost) by Xavier’s fake gravestone. This sets Magneto off who, in a rage, kills Quicksilver. The heroes are all shocked by this because WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE HEROES ARE AGAINST KILLING.

Scarlet Witch shows up and returns Quicksilver to life. Then she decides to punish Magneto by taking away the thing he loves most in the world: Mutants.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Wanda’s got some ugly kids.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos<
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

House of M #5

The cover to House of M #5
“Hello, good day. Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ our lord and savior?”
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

Layla Miller is getting eaaased into the life of super heroics by going inside her own brain with The White Queen (Emma Frost). She’s understandably really weirded out by her giant brain and Emma’s awful bedside manner as they try to figure out why Layla has the power to awaken everyone’s true memories in the alternate reality they’ve woken up in. Ending diagnosis: no idea! Oh well, don’t look a gift Beta Ray Bill in the mouth, that’s what I always say.

I made a Thor joke!

They get down to it and start an exciting montage of returning the memories of all the super heroes they can find. Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers), Doctor Strange, Shadowcat (Kitty Pryde), Cyclops (Scott Summers), She Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Daredevil (Matt Murdock), etc, etc! This will fill up pages nicely!

When the group of heroes find Captain America (Steve Rogers), they’re turned off by how old he seems. I guess super heroes are ageist? Didn’t Magneto live through the Holocaust? How old is Franklin Richards again? Aaaaahh, lets not stress about all this! Anyway, Captain America is deemed too old to help, since in this world he was never frozen into a block of ice. Unknown to the other heroes, Layla returns his memories as well. I guess as a way to make sure he is fully aware of how little he’s helping? Don’t kick a man while he’s down, Layla.

When they return Spider-man (Peter Parker)‘s memories, he is less than pleased. Spider-man found himself in a perfect life where he married Gwen Stacy, had a son, is loved by everyone in New York City, and his Uncle Ben never died. When he realizes this is not his life true life he is ready to kill whoever created this universe.

On the topic of who to kill, the heroes then have a meeting to discuss. Because they need to kill someone. They’re positive.

The team seems pretty certain Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr) made his daughter The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) create it. It’s all guess work. And they have no proof. But they are going to kill Magneto and Scarlett Witch anyway. Because justice!

More brainwashed heroes working for Shield attack the group but have their own memories restored by Layla before anyone gets hurt. They now seem to have enough numbers now to attack Magneto, who is currently ruler of the mutant country Genosia.

On Genosia, Polaris (Lorna Dane) tells Magneto to start getting ready for the arriving guests. Magneto wants a minute alone as he stands by a monument to the departed Charles Xavier.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Spider-man’s dream life includes a different hair style.

What I Learned From This Comic:
The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

House of M #4

The cover to House of M #4
Arrow-n’t you glad to see me?
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

In the alternate reality version of Genoshia, Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr) is living the life he always wanted. He’s the king of a mutant nation in a world where mutants are no longer hunted out of fear and with a family who loves him.

Wolverine (Logan) is hanging out with his new friends a group of non mutant heroes fighting for humanity. Luke Cage, Iron Fist (Danny Rand), Misty Knight, Black Cat (Felicia Hardy), Moon Knight (Marc Spector), Cloak (Tyrone Johnson), and a uncharacteristically alive Hawkeye (Clint Barton) have spirited Logan away in hopes of getting some answers. Since in this alternate reality, Wolverine is a high ranking SHIELD officer, he’s being tracked by an implant in his neck. Hawkeye tries to fix this problem with an arrow to the throat, but it wasn’t in time and they are attacked by human hunting sentinels.

Cloak manages to get most of the team teleported away safely but some fatalities occur. Luke Cage gets over their deaths pretty fast. Like, he is sad, shrugs, then he’s fine. He just wants to get back to asking Wolverine why he’s acting all kooky.

Kooky Wolverine explains to them that this reality is fake and only he knows it. Luke Cage knows he is telling the truth because he also knows it. He knows it because the mutant child Layla Miller used her powers to show him. Layla also knows it. You’re not special Wolverine!!

Layla woke up a few days ago not knowing why the world had changed and went to Luke Cage for help. Well, she wanted to go to Daredevil, but had to settle for Luke Cage.

The heroes all figure Magneto got Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) to change reality to keep herself safe. Not only that, but in this alternate reality all (most) of the heroes have everything they want. The only way Scarlet Witch could know that is if she had the help of a mind reader. Professor X is a mind reader! They must have done something horrible to him!!

So everyone is pretty set on the idea of going to Genoshia and killing who they assume got Scarlet Witch to change reality: Magneto. First they need to boost their ranks.

Best way to gain allies is to win their trust so they break into Cyclops (Scott Summers) and White Queen’s (Emma Frost) house and point a lot of guns at her. When White Queen tries to control Layla’s mind her powers activate and Emma remembers everything about the real world.

She’s mad. She hopes everyone’s cool with killing Magento because that’s how she wants to spend the day. As I said, it has already been decided upon. All the heroes are down for murder.

What I Learned From This Comic:

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

House of M #3

The cover to House of M #3
Wolverine, maxing it to the extreme as he escapes from… nobody chasing him.
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

In the mysterious alternate reality where mutants have become the dominant species, Wolverine (Logan) has found himself to be the only person who kept his real memories. The rest of the world is convinced this new reality is the true one. Also, Wolverine doesn’t just remember the true reality, he remembers everything. For the first time since he’s been in comics, Wolverine is in possession of all his life’s memories and they are mostly traumatic.

So, dealing with this the best way available at the moment, Wolverine jumps off a helicarrier which was flying over New York City. This also helps him escape Mystique (Raven Darkhölme), Toad (Mortimer Toynbee), and other mutants in SHIELD uniforms who keep referring to him as “boss”.

He lands hard on a building but he’s okay because he’s Wolverine. He sees the world is completely different because he doesn’t recognize ANY of the billboards up in Times Square and Wolverine has been KNOWN to be a real fanboy about that stuff.

Looking for Charles Xavier, Wolverine breaks into what should be his mansion. Instead he finds a regular family living there and really freaks the dad out. Wolverine is a small scary dude in normal circumstances, imagine him sneaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night.

When he tries to meet with Tony Stark, his SHIELD team finds him through a tracking device in his neck. They want to take him in thinking he’s gone rogue. Also, Rogue is there! They fight and Wolverine tries to escape but it’s the hero Cloak who teleports him to a secret location.

There Wolverine meets Luke Cage and Hawkeye (Clint Barton) who is very much supposed to be dead.

What I Learned From This Comic:

The dude who lives in Charles Xavier mansion can afford a mansion but can’t get he daughter a doll that isn’t from the garbage can.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt