Avengers #500

The cover to Avengers (Vol 1) #500
Sometimes Iron Man liked to use Yellow Jacket to kick off with.
From Series: The Avengers

What Happened:

Woof, what a day.

Sure, several of their friends died. A lot of there lives were destroyed. They were betrayed by some of the people they were closest with. Some of their greatest personal fears came true in their own actions. Yet, if we were to really nail down the worst thing to happen to the Avengers on this day it would be Hawkeye’s (Clint Barton) kitchen table sex talk.

Woof.

Let’s get to the actual mayhem of the day. Ant-Man (Scott Lang), The Wasp (Janet Van Dyne), She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Captain Britain (Kelsey Leigh), Jarvis, and Hawkeye have their gross conversation interrupted by Jack Of Hearts (Jonathan Hart). Well, a zombie of Jack Of Hearts. Since Jack Of Hearts died a few issues back. I suppose he doesn’t have to be a zombie. He could be a naked mummy? I don’t really know why I’m assuming he’s a zombie just because he’s all shamble-y and dried out. Plus he does some pretty un-zombie like actions such as apologize for blowing up and then blowing up. This is the day’s first explosion.

Jack Of Hearts explosion kills Ant-Man who tried to reason with the zombie. Never open the lines of communication with zombies. What do you hope to accomplish? Change its mind about being a zombie? They. Are. Set. In. Their. Ways.

While all this is happening, Iron Man (Tony Stark) is giving a big fancy speech to the United Nations. There, he starts having all the symptoms of being drunk.

Symptoms of being drunk:

  • Being sweaty
  • Being a jerk

Yellow Jacket (Hank Pym) and Black Panther (T’Challa) stop Iron Man from blowing up a representative of a country he dislikes. Before anyone can get too mad at Iron Man, Captain America (Steve Rogers) receives the distress call from Avengers mansion about the zombie and the explosion. While everyone heads out, Iron Man confesses to Scarlett Witch (Wanda Maximoff) about feeling drunk. Scarlet Witch’s face is shrouded in darkness the whole time. Who knows what that could mean? It’s probably nothing! Maybe the artist was having one of those “I JUST CAN’T DRAW ANOTHER FACE TODAY” days?

Everyone arrives at the mansion in time for The Vision to fly a quinjet into it. This is the day’s second explosion. Vision comes out of the burning wreckage and tells the Avengers he is not in control of his own actions. He then turns into a puddle and vomits up some metal spheres.

Additional symptoms of being drunk:

  • Turning into puddle
  • Vomiting metal spheres

The spheres all turn into Ultron robots and the team leaps into battle defeating them… pretty easily. She-Hulk starts to go berserk during the battle and can’t calm down from her battle rage. In that rage she tears the remains of The Vision’s robotic body down the middle and then attacks Captain America.

Meanwhile, two mysterious people have a conversation in the dark.

What I Learned From This Issue:
Saying “Sorry, my bad” doesn’t get you off the hook from tidying after the metal balls you threw up.

Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: David Finch
Inker: Danny Miki
Colourist: Frank D’armata
Letterers: Albert Deschesne, Richard Starkings
Editors: Nicole Wiley, Andy Schmidt, Tom Brevoort
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Starlord Mopes Through a War – Annihilation #1

The cover to Annihilation #1
At least Silver Surfer is having fun!

From Series: Annihilation

What Happened:

The good guys are losing the war. The Annihilation Wave, a name the marketing bug-people of Annihilus’s army came up with, is moving across the galaxy destroying all who resist. Many alien races have been wiped out. The Skrull empire is basically gone. The Kree are have been humbled so many times they don’t remember how to war a war. They forgot the war part!

The cause of this attack would be the our ever-expanding universe itself. When our universe started spilling into the Annihilus ruled Negative Zone, Annihilus considered our universe just another part of his. He got to work taking over and one of the first things he did was destroy the Nova Corps home world.

There are some cosmic heroes left doing their best to hold the line but the growing bleakness of the war they’re fighting is wearing on them. The last surviving member of the Nova Corps, Richard Rider, has found himself in charge of the resistance to Annihilus. Along with Gamora, Drax The Destroyer, Ronan The Accuser, and a real bummer of a Star-Lord (Peter Quill) Nova is trying to stop the Annihilation Wave. Stop it or at least learn from their many, many horrible defeats.

When the Wave breaks through their latest defense, Nova orders the retreat and flies off the save Drax. He manages to do this and then throws the dude away at high speed and calls for an orbital bombardment of the area, killing some of the Wave and a lot of his own injured soldiers. Drax survives because he is not a background character.

This was a completely unnecessary sacrifice because minutes later, the heralds of Galactus manage to take out one of Annihilus’s Queens. Since the Queens control the troops telepathically, this renders the Annihilation Wave almost useless.

So all those injured men died for no reason. One even gave Nova a thumbs up before the bombardment hit and he perished in the flames. Thumbs up aren’t given freely, they carry weight! I hope that weight drags Nova down for the remainder of his days!!

Anyway, Nova deals with the guilt of his decisions by having sex with Gamora.

Annihilus is pretty mad things in this galaxy aren’t as easy for him as they are back in the Negative Zone. The fact that one of his queens was captured really gets the green space grasshopper man… hoppin’ mad! Yes! Stuck the landing!

Thanos and his pixie best friend Skreet (comic books are weird) inform their boss, Annihilus, they now now has enough data to unlock the power cosmic within Galactus’s heralds. Speaking of Galactus, he and Silver Surfer were smooshed by Tenebrous and Aegis, allies of Thanos. Which leads you to question, if Thanos has friends who can bop Galactus around like a balloon losing its helium why is he working for the king laser bug?

Because Thanos is up to something!

What I Learned From This Comic:

Even Star-Lord hated the name Star-Lord for a while.

Creators:
Writer: Keith Giffen
Pencils, Inker: Andrea Di Vito
Colourist: Laura Villari
Letterer: Cory Petit
Cover Artists: Gabrielle Dell’Otto
Editors: Andy Schmidt
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Fantastic Four (Vol 3) #56

The cover to Fantastic Four (Vol 3) #56
The Japanese really know how to grow an funny shaped pumpkin.
From Series: Fantastic Four (Vol 3)

What Happened:

The Thing (Ben Grimm), has returned to his childhood neighborhood of Yancy Street to resolve some unfinished business. While walking the streets and scaring the disposable cameras out of a lost tourist Ben remembers growing up in the neighborhood.

His older brother Danny Grimm used to look out for his family since their father was an unemployed drunk. Danny was the leader of the Yancy Street Gang and made his money through less than legal ways. Since this is the Yancy Street Gang we’re talking about, I guess those ways involved stink bombs and spring loaded banana cream pies. Danny also helped Ben get out of rough situations and taught him how to fight.

When Danny died, Ben decided to take his place and take care of his mother by being a member of the Yancy Street Gang. He earned his place in the gang by stealing the local pawn shop owner, and apparent lone victim to The Yancy Street Gang’s criminal career, Mr. Sheckerberg’s prized Star of David necklace.

Ben eventually became leader of the gang only to be kicked out after he moves in with his uncle after the death of his parents. The gang also didn’t like the fact that Ben has plans to be a pilot, a job they deemed un-gang-worthy. They’re not a SKY level gang! They’re STREET level!

Back in the present, Mr Sheckerber is being pressed for protection money and mistake’s Ben for the enforcer. After some yelling, New York style, Ben offers to help Mr. Sheckerber find the real culprits. Ben assumes it’s the Yancy Street Gang and he tries to stop them but they give him the Bugs Bunny treatment with stink bombs and paint from the shadows. Ben returns to the pawn shop to find the super-villain Powderkeg has taken Sheckerberg as a hostage.

The Thing, now aware of the real villain attacks Powderkeg but is blasted away by his protective nitroglycerin sweat. Then the Yancy Street Gang ooze out of the shadows and test if nitroglycerin sweat protects a person from stink bombs and being tripped into manhole covers. It doesn’t! Bugs Bunny remains our country’s greatest weapons expert. Ben puts the final touches on Powderkeg by tying him up with a street lamp.

Mr. Sheckerberg was hurt during the battle and seems to be dying. Ben feels helpless but remembers he can perform the Jewish Kaddish over his body. Embarassed by how bad Ben is at basic Jewish traditions, Mr. Sheckerberg wakes up to give him an earful. He says he thought Ben was ashamed of his Jewish heritage because he never mentions it on CNN. Ben says he doesn’t keep it a secret, he just figures the Jewish community would not appreciate a monster like him be their spokesperson. His words! Not mine!

With a little ribbing, Mr. Sheckerberg talks Ben out of that monster nonsense and does some armchair psycho analyzing over why Ben lets the Yancy Street Gang get the best of him. Short answer: Guilt. Long answer: Guuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllt. Ben does what he came to the neighborhood to do and gives Mr. Sheckerberg back his Star of David. Mr. Sheckerberg let’s Ben keep it.

What I Learned From This Issue:

Ben keeps jewelry in his pants.

The Creators:

Writer: Karl Kesel
Penciler: Stuart Immonen
Inker: Scott Koblish
Colourist: Liquid!
Letterers: Richard Starkings & Albert Deschesne
Cover Artist: Gabriele Dell’Otto
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada