Avengers #500

The cover to Avengers (Vol 1) #500
Sometimes Iron Man liked to use Yellow Jacket to kick off with.
From Series: The Avengers

What Happened:

Woof, what a day.

Sure, several of their friends died. A lot of there lives were destroyed. They were betrayed by some of the people they were closest with. Some of their greatest personal fears came true in their own actions. Yet, if we were to really nail down the worst thing to happen to the Avengers on this day it would be Hawkeye’s (Clint Barton) kitchen table sex talk.

Woof.

Let’s get to the actual mayhem of the day. Ant-Man (Scott Lang), The Wasp (Janet Van Dyne), She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Captain Britain (Kelsey Leigh), Jarvis, and Hawkeye have their gross conversation interrupted by Jack Of Hearts (Jonathan Hart). Well, a zombie of Jack Of Hearts. Since Jack Of Hearts died a few issues back. I suppose he doesn’t have to be a zombie. He could be a naked mummy? I don’t really know why I’m assuming he’s a zombie just because he’s all shamble-y and dried out. Plus he does some pretty un-zombie like actions such as apologize for blowing up and then blowing up. This is the day’s first explosion.

Jack Of Hearts explosion kills Ant-Man who tried to reason with the zombie. Never open the lines of communication with zombies. What do you hope to accomplish? Change its mind about being a zombie? They. Are. Set. In. Their. Ways.

While all this is happening, Iron Man (Tony Stark) is giving a big fancy speech to the United Nations. There, he starts having all the symptoms of being drunk.

Symptoms of being drunk:

  • Being sweaty
  • Being a jerk

Yellow Jacket (Hank Pym) and Black Panther (T’Challa) stop Iron Man from blowing up a representative of a country he dislikes. Before anyone can get too mad at Iron Man, Captain America (Steve Rogers) receives the distress call from Avengers mansion about the zombie and the explosion. While everyone heads out, Iron Man confesses to Scarlett Witch (Wanda Maximoff) about feeling drunk. Scarlet Witch’s face is shrouded in darkness the whole time. Who knows what that could mean? It’s probably nothing! Maybe the artist was having one of those “I JUST CAN’T DRAW ANOTHER FACE TODAY” days?

Everyone arrives at the mansion in time for The Vision to fly a quinjet into it. This is the day’s second explosion. Vision comes out of the burning wreckage and tells the Avengers he is not in control of his own actions. He then turns into a puddle and vomits up some metal spheres.

Additional symptoms of being drunk:

  • Turning into puddle
  • Vomiting metal spheres

The spheres all turn into Ultron robots and the team leaps into battle defeating them… pretty easily. She-Hulk starts to go berserk during the battle and can’t calm down from her battle rage. In that rage she tears the remains of The Vision’s robotic body down the middle and then attacks Captain America.

Meanwhile, two mysterious people have a conversation in the dark.

What I Learned From This Issue:
Saying “Sorry, my bad” doesn’t get you off the hook from tidying after the metal balls you threw up.

Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: David Finch
Inker: Danny Miki
Colourist: Frank D’armata
Letterers: Albert Deschesne, Richard Starkings
Editors: Nicole Wiley, Andy Schmidt, Tom Brevoort
Editor-in-Chief: Joe Quesada

Too Many Mutants – House of M #7

The cover to House of M #7
He tripped.
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

Everyone’s fighting! The rebel heroes who remember the real world thanks to Layla Miller‘s powers are attacking their friends who do not remember the real world. Why? Because the rebel heroes want to kill who they believe is responsible for this alternate world: Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr). They are doing fighting and causing a lot of property damage instead of using Layla Miller’s powers to restore THEIR FRIENDS’ memories of the real world as well. It is a dumb plan but we’re too deep in to stop now! Wheels within wheels! Time marches on!

During the battle, The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) collapses and starts to disappear. This freaks out her brother Quicksilver and he goes berserk on the rebel heroes. Makes logical sense. Wanda didn’t disappear before the rebel heroes showed up. Now the rebel heroes show up and she starts to disappear? The simple logical solution is to run around with super speed and punch everyone in the face, like the great thinkers of yore would suggest.

That Scarlet Witch was just a illusion made with magic though. Doctor Strange, in Astral Form mode, uses his bloodhound senses to find the real Scarlet Witch and her children. They all play blocks together. Doctor Strange then tries to figure out what’s really going on. Scarlet Witch reveals it wasn’t Magneto who told her to change the world, but Quicksilver.

This changes EVERTHING. (Not really). Magneto was a villain who had to be killed. Quicksilver is a hero who made a mistake who needs to be captured. Neither of these people are who actually did the deed of changing the world (Wanda, who everyone wanted to kill way back in issue one).

Hawkeye (Clint Barton) then shoots Wanda in the back with an arrow. Wanda, trying to protect her kids from the scary man with a bow and arrow, wipes him away from existence. Doctor Strange has apparently just decided to duck out around this time.

Back in the battle, Layla Miller restores Magneto’s memories when he finds her and The White Queen (Emma Frost) by Xavier’s fake gravestone. This sets Magneto off who, in a rage, kills Quicksilver. The heroes are all shocked by this because WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THE HEROES ARE AGAINST KILLING.

Scarlet Witch shows up and returns Quicksilver to life. Then she decides to punish Magneto by taking away the thing he loves most in the world: Mutants.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Wanda’s got some ugly kids.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos<
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

The Heroes Ruin a Nice Evening – House of M #6

The cover to House of M #6
Pictures of people in the middle of the Electric Slide never do the dance justice.

From Series: House of M

What Happened:

It’s the big day! Our heroes are all ready to kill someone because some angry people said it was their only option and no one argued against it! Heroism!

The heroes, with their true memories restored, are gearing up to attack Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr) and The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) during their special… party? They’re doing something fancy. Doctor Doom, Black Panther (T’challa), Namor, and Storm showed up and got announced like it was Cinderella’s ball. I hope they have fun at least because things are about to go real bad for the party.

The plan is for the heroes to distract Magneto and his family while Cloak (Tyrone Johnson), The White Queen, and Layla Miller go searching for Professor Xavier, who they assume has been captured. Only problem is: Magneto thinks Xavier is dead in this reality.

WAIT I LIED THERE IS A SECOND PROBLEM: Xavier’s grave is empty!

After a very very very brief discussion on whether or not they’re about to do the right thing (destroy a worldwide utopia and kill several people in the process) the heroes steal a SHIELD Hellicarrier and poop Magneto’s party. He is really mad.

What I Learned From This Issue:

Doctor Doom knows the power of good press.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos< Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

House of M #5

The cover to House of M #5
“Hello, good day. Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ our lord and savior?”
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

Layla Miller is getting eaaased into the life of super heroics by going inside her own brain with The White Queen (Emma Frost). She’s understandably really weirded out by her giant brain and Emma’s awful bedside manner as they try to figure out why Layla has the power to awaken everyone’s true memories in the alternate reality they’ve woken up in. Ending diagnosis: no idea! Oh well, don’t look a gift Beta Ray Bill in the mouth, that’s what I always say.

I made a Thor joke!

They get down to it and start an exciting montage of returning the memories of all the super heroes they can find. Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers), Doctor Strange, Shadowcat (Kitty Pryde), Cyclops (Scott Summers), She Hulk (Jennifer Walters), Daredevil (Matt Murdock), etc, etc! This will fill up pages nicely!

When the group of heroes find Captain America (Steve Rogers), they’re turned off by how old he seems. I guess super heroes are ageist? Didn’t Magneto live through the Holocaust? How old is Franklin Richards again? Aaaaahh, lets not stress about all this! Anyway, Captain America is deemed too old to help, since in this world he was never frozen into a block of ice. Unknown to the other heroes, Layla returns his memories as well. I guess as a way to make sure he is fully aware of how little he’s helping? Don’t kick a man while he’s down, Layla.

When they return Spider-man (Peter Parker)‘s memories, he is less than pleased. Spider-man found himself in a perfect life where he married Gwen Stacy, had a son, is loved by everyone in New York City, and his Uncle Ben never died. When he realizes this is not his life true life he is ready to kill whoever created this universe.

On the topic of who to kill, the heroes then have a meeting to discuss. Because they need to kill someone. They’re positive.

The team seems pretty certain Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr) made his daughter The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) create it. It’s all guess work. And they have no proof. But they are going to kill Magneto and Scarlett Witch anyway. Because justice!

More brainwashed heroes working for Shield attack the group but have their own memories restored by Layla before anyone gets hurt. They now seem to have enough numbers now to attack Magneto, who is currently ruler of the mutant country Genosia.

On Genosia, Polaris (Lorna Dane) tells Magneto to start getting ready for the arriving guests. Magneto wants a minute alone as he stands by a monument to the departed Charles Xavier.

What I Learned From This Comic:

Spider-man’s dream life includes a different hair style.

What I Learned From This Comic:
The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt

House of M #1

The cover to House of M #1
“And we shall call this place… Plymouth Rock!”
From Series: House of M

What Happened:

After the events of Avengers Disassembled, The Scarlet Witch (Wanda Maximoff) is recovering from her nervous breakdown. She is being tended by Magneto (Erik Lehnsherr) and Professor X (Charles Xavier) in the ruins of the once all mutant country Genosha.

Her recovery is not going well. During her last episode she killed several members of the Avengers. Now Professor X, the most powerful telepath on earth, is having trouble just keeping her from creating babies out of thin air. Neither Magneto or Professor X can afford to pay for diapers right now so they always make her unmake the babies, but their concern is rising.

Professor X calls a meeting between the New Avengers, the X-Men, and some old Avengers who are still pretty butt-hurt about not getting onto the new team. The meeting is to decide if they should kill The Scarlet Witch. Everyone has different opinions on the fact. Captain America (Steve Rogers) says no. Wolverine (Logan) says yes before the question is even finished. Wonder Man (Simon Williams) says no, but that’s because he still loves Wanda. The White Queen (Emma Frost) says yes, since it’ll be disastrous to human/mutant relations if a mutant like Scarlet Witch kills any more people. Some people want to ask Wanda’s opinion, which is a dumb thought.

Since Doctor Strange (Stephen Strange) and Professor X are still uncertain if they’ll ever be able to cure her, the debate goes nowhere.

Meanwhile back at Genosha, Quicksilver (Pietro Maximoff) has told Magneto about the meeting between the Avengers and the X-Men and is begging him to help Wanda. Magneto isn’t sure killing Wanda is the wrong thing to do, which really make Quicksilver cry a bunch.

The Avengers and X-Men show up in Genosha in an attempt to see the condition of The Scarlet Witch only to not find her, Quicksilver, or Magneto there. Then one by one they start to disappear. Spider-man (Peter Parker) is the last one remaining when he is enveloped in a golden light and wakes up married to Gwen Stacy with a child. Whaaat?

What I Learned From This Comic:

Super heroes don’t need any sort of… judge or lawyer present while deciding who shall live and who shall die.

The Creators:
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Penciler: Olivier Coipel
Inker: Tim Townsend
Colourists: Frank D’Armata
Letterers: Chris Eliopoulos
Cover Artist: Esad Ribic
Editors: Tom Brevoort, Stephanie Moore, Molly Lazer, & Andy Schmidt